I Am Caroline.

Something I think we often forget is that we are all doing the very best we can with what we've been given. Some of us do really well with structure, with the world around us being mapped and planned. Others of us prefer to fly about like human birds and figure it out as we go. Depending on where we grow up, there tends to be an overwhelming preference for one way of life over another. For us here, we tend to value people who are really good at structuring their lives really solidly. Our world is built for 9-5 jobs and 401k's and easily accessible health insurance. My illuminating conversation with Caroline reminded me that one way of being isn't actually any better than another. We're all just different in those ways. Those differences are really all part of our sameness, our doing the best we can, our flourishing in our own lives. It's magical. Read on for a little bit more from my new friend, Caroline!

I am Caroline. I am untamed. And I am… a mother, a doula, an illuminator, humble, and someone who doesn’t take themselves too seriously.

What is it like to be you?

Exciting! My days are never the same and I never know what’s going to happen or plan too far forward. I don’t want to close myself off to an opportunity that could arise. Because of this, I’m always ready for anything and opportunities always come up in that space. It can be tiring and perhaps over-stimulating, but more than anything, it’s never boring. I’m grateful for the acceptance of this part of who I am. It’s been a long road to get to accepting it, but I’m not the kind of person to future-plan and know where I’m going to be 10 years from now. I grew up being told that it was an issue, but the best things have happened for me once I accepted this part of my personality and continue to work with it, not being worried about what it looks like to other people.

I realized that I had been forcing myself to do something that my brain wasn’t hardwired to do. I cannot function in any other way than to be really fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants. It’s felt a lot like trying to force myself to fit into boxes that society has deemed “normal.” It isn’t even like being a free spirit because I think that term has a connotation with it that suggests having money or being somehow chained to something to make it work. For me, it’s more like being untamed. I can’t function in a life with particular normative parameters like going to college, getting a particular degree, and move up in that career and so on. There’s nothing wrong with that kind of life, but it isn’t for me.

All of the things in my life that have lead me to this point were possible for me because I didn’t have a plan and was ready to say ‘yes’ to anything. I feel so fulfilled in what I do now and I wouldn’t have found it if I kept forcing myself into the boxes imposed upon me.

How has society shaped you into who you are?

I see so much boredom and repression in the world around me. So many people I know who are going through the motions and punching the clock are really unsatisfied in some way. A lot of them ignore the impulses toward things that would make them feel really empowered in service of doing just what they’re supposed to do. Passions aren’t irresponsible whims, that’s where the good shit is. I’m in constant pursuit of pleasure. Sometimes it doesn’t work, but I also really live for that devastation. That is also pleasure and passion, just on a different end of the spectrum. Nothing sounds worse to me than existing just feeling a mediocre satisfaction, that I’d not have the opportunity to experience the devastation, yes, but also the ecstacy of life. Society being what it is continues to encourage me to be the way I am, even when the world tells me that living life the way I do is wrong.

Do you think that by allowing yourself to live exactly as you are, you give people permission to attempt it?

Oh, for sure! This isn’t coming from a place of ego, but I think everybody wants to be able to tap into pleasure. Seeing someone unafraid to chase their own light automatically invites them to at least embrace the spark inside of them.

What would you say to someone who is afraid of their passion but also desires it?

Honor your path. Don’t lose sight of that fire. In any given day when you have a choice, make that choice intentionally and question whether or not you’re doing things that spark your fire. Start choosing more things that only light you up from the inside. If you do those things with trust, it will work out. You don’t have to know the answer, those will come. They will come when you’re living in pursuit and service of your best self. The spark invites fire and can stay aflame or go out. You get to make choices in either direction.

You exude a really empowered feminine energy, can you say a little bit about that?

There was a time I was really afraid of being in touch with the divine feminine. I spent so much of my life not really trusting other women. I was able to see examples of women who were strong and powerful and that rewrote the narrative in my head. Being feminine doesn’t mean that you like pink and wear ruffles and love flowers or even like men, being a woman is just being a woman and there’s such tremendous power in that. Birthwork has been illuminating, too. Like, nothing exists without women. The seed of all civilization literally is within our bodies and that’s power. It isn’t even ego power, it’s just science.

What does love and connection mean to you?

It means to not have inhibitions, to be able to wholly open yourself to connecting with another person without fences. Everybody is the same and we’re all one. It takes a lot of trust to be fully present and open with another person. That’s the important work.

What would you tell your younger self?

You’re not broken. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re okay exactly as you are. Everything that I’ve had to overcome has been a direct result of thinking I had to change and that pain doesn’t have to be your story. Just trust that the things you need will come to you exactly when you need them.